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'What I'm doing might save somebody's life:' Wife tells military husband's story after his suicide

"What I'm doing might save somebody's life." When her military husband died by suicide, Karen dedicated her life to telling his story, hoping to help others and break the stigma around mental health and suicide.
Credit: Judson, Andie
(Courtesy of Karen Crosby Heisig)

ROCHESTER, N.Y. -- Through the devastation of losing her husband, one single mother isn’t holding anything back. She is committed to talking about mental health and breaking the stigma around suicide.

In 1987, Karen Crosby Heisig started her freshman year at Niagara University. Like other first-year students, Karen took freshman orientation, a course designed to prepare new students for success during their time at the university. Little did Karen know the course would shape the rest of her life.

That’s where she met Maurice, known to everyone as Mo. A teacher assistant for Karen’s freshmen orientation, Mo quickly became the subject of her affection.

Karen thought it was just a schoolgirl crush – who wouldn’t fall for Mo, a senior and the Battalion Commander of his ROTC unit? She never considered that he might be interested in her too.

“Low and behold, he invited me with him and his friends to go out to one of the local cool bars and it just so happened that none of his friends could go,” said Karen giggling.

The two dated through the school year, and Mo graduated in spring. He was commissioned as a second lieutenant in the United States Army. Before he left for training in Fort Bragg, North Carolina, he proposed to Karen. They were 20 and 23 years old.

Credit: Judson, Andie
(Photo courtesy of Karen Crosby Heisig)

“I tease people saying I went [to school] for my MRS, which is the total opposite! I went to change the world, and I met my husband,” said Karen.

She left college early with an associate degree and moved south to be with her husband. But shortly after arriving, he deployed. Back then, Mo couldn’t tell her where he was going. Now she knows he was sent to Kuwait and was involved in Operation Desert Storm.

Despite writing letters every day, , their time apart was difficult. During their first year of marriage, most of their time was spent apart. After returning from deployment, Mo decided to leave the service and became a pharmaceutical rep.

They moved to South Carolina and spent the next 13 years raising their two children. Karen remembered these years fondly, crediting Mo with being a wonderful father. But she also recalled a dark time.

“In March of 1999, my husband’s younger brother who he was super close with… died by suicide,” said Karen. “It completely blindsided all of us.”

Karen remembered Mo giving himself one day to grieve With his military background, Mo didn't show emotion easily and wasn't one to talk about his feelings, Karen said.

But his feelings were clear a little over two years later when tragedy struck on September 11, 2001.

“September 11 came along and that was really a turning point in our story,” said Karen. “He made a decision that day that, ‘This isn’t the world that I want my kids to live in, so I need to be a part of the change.’”

With his wife’s support, Mo decided to re-enlist. He dreamed of becoming a special forces medic and decided to make it into a reality. But Karen said he became obsessed.

Credit: Judson, Andie
(Photo courtesy of Karen Crosby Heisig)

“He went from being this really involved, engaged family loving person to all he can think about was special forces and how he was going to train for it,” said Karen.
In support of his dream, the family relocated back to Fort Bragg. But days before Mo’s training began, his father fell ill. He passed away 24 hours before Mo’s start day. Mo had to drop out of the program to mourn and assist with his father's death.

That decision weighed on him.

“Here you have somebody who’s incredibly proud of his military service, loved serving his country, and now he feels like he has somehow failed that,” said Karen. “He was kind of stuck then.”

Karen said Mo fell into depression and had outbursts of aggression. This wasn’t the man she knew.

A month after his father passed, Karen found Mo crying in their bedroom. When she approached him, he admitted to having thoughts of suicide. She knew this was a red flag and asked him to seek help.

But when Mo sought treatment, he avoided discussing his suicidal thoughts out of shame, Karen said.

“I didn’t know for most of that time he was still having thoughts of ending his life,” said Karen.

The stigma associated with seeking mental health treatment and suicide, especially for men and members of the military, made it difficult for Karen to research warning signs.

“He went missing on a Monday night, January 23, 2006,” said Karen. “People always talk about that feeling in the heart when you know something is wrong. That feeling was certainly there. I knew.”

Mo hadn’t returned home from work and hadn’t called Karen to tell her where he was. She contacted the officials. The next 24 hours became a blur. Friends and family cycled in and out of her house, hoping to help.

“When they told me that they had found him and he was gone, it kind of felt like even though I knew, in my heart of hearts, I had maintained some hope. So, I felt like the whole bottom of my world just completely dropped out,” said Karen.

Mo ended his life in their storage unit. He disappeared Monday night and officials found him Wednesday.

The loss of her husband was devastating. But Karen didn’t let it keep her from telling her truth.

“I didn’t want any people to think, ‘Oh, that young widow!’ I had no problem telling people, ‘My husband died by suicide and this is a conversation we need to have,’” said Karen.

“I had a huge hole in my heart, but I knew somehow or another that good was going to come out of all of this.”

Karen found that good by becoming involved with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Today she is a board member and helps plan community walks, events and awareness campaigns.

She has also found a purpose in connecting with what she calls other loss survivors and helping those who struggle with the same feelings her husband did.

“I cannot change what happened with Mo. There’s nothing I could do to bring him back, but I have found a purpose,” said Karen. “The thought that maybe, just maybe, part of what I’m doing might save somebody else’s life.”

Karen continues to be a source of strength for others and an enforcer in creating an open dialogue for people to discuss mental health and suicide. Of course, she also continues to be an incredible mother to her and Mo’s children.

“If I were able to say anything to Mo it would be, ‘I really wish you had stayed but I knew, for whatever reason, that was a battle that you couldn’t win or fight in that moment and we’re okay,’” said Karen.

“You gave me a knowledge of what love feels like. Just that wonderful, unconditional, accepting love to the point that you set the bar really high! And you’d be really proud of your kids! They’re so freaking amazing.”

If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts you can call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) any time of day or night or chat online. The crisis text line provides 24/7 support (Text 741-741)

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