Fantasy Football: Faking your way through an annoyingly early fantasy draft

"Son, you can't legislate stupidity."

This remains one of my dad's favorite sayings in the world, as it seamlessly applies to absurd matters covering sports, politics, media, education, finances and society, at large.

Unfortunately, it's also applicable to the world of fantasy football.

Every August, after the hard-to-watch Hall of Fame Game enters the record books (Wikipedia actually has a Hall of Fame Game history page), there's always a faction of impetuous commissioners who insist on conducting fantasy drafts in the vicinity of preseason Week 1.

In the business, they're commonly known as morons.

The earliest a fantasy draft should start? After the Week 3 slate of preseason games (Aug. 23-26), as a practical means of avoiding injuries with high-end prospects, most of whom are sidelined for the final preseason weekend.

Case in point: In 2006, Redskins tailback Clinton Portis—on the heels of 1,732 total yards/11 TDs the previous year—incurred a significant shoulder injury during Week 1 of exhibition play ... after trying to make a heroic tackle off an insignificant interception return in the first quarter.

Why is this relevant? I made the tragic mistake of partaking in a live experts' draft two days prior to the Redskins-Bengals tilt (Monday Night Football) ... and, of course, Portis served as my (wasted) first-round draft choice.

For that injury-addled campaign in 2006, Portis finished with only 690 total yards and seven touchdowns.

Lesson learned.

For recent history, once again involving the Redskins, look no further than rookie tailback Derrius Guice incurring a season-ending knee injury in the preseason opener (great run ... followed by a seemingly innocuous tackle).

Ugh.

Now, given the go-go lifestyle of today's work force, I empathize with fantasy owners without unlimited availability for three-hour drafts in late August. Balancing work, family, civic and vacation obligations late in the summer can be a logistical nightmare, for sure.

That aside, if you can't carve out 90 uninterrupted minutes for a fantasy draft ... chances are you won't be making the playoffs anyway.

It's the great thing about fantasy football: During the regular season, you only need to find consistent computer time on Wednesday afternoons (weekly waivers) and Sunday mornings (setting lineups) to remain highly competitive.

It's not like managing the daily grind of basketball, hockey and baseball ... where the seasons seemingly never end.

Back to the drudgery of being stuck with an inflexible football commissioner: Here are four super-quick tips for successfully navigating—or faking your way through—an early fantasy draft, without the insight of two or three exhibition contests.

1. DO YOUR HOMEWORK

Fantasy championships seldom fall in the laps of absentee or indifferent owners. In fact, a title earned in Week 16/17 is usually the culmination of hard work, roster discipline and excellent preparation in August.

Here are three components to that process:

a) Study at least four publications, outside of your regular commitment to 11AliveSports

Get a sense of what the experts are saying—and what they're not saying about certain players. Find common ground among the pre-raft rankings and drafting trends.

b) Continually monitor the Average Draft Position (ADP) rankings on various Web sites

ADP lists afford owners the chance to get the player they want, at the value they need, without the embarrassment of reaching for an asset's fantasy services.

Here's an ADP sample from Fantasy Football Calculator.

c) Mock, mock, mock your way to building draft-day confidence

There's no disputing your childhood piano instructor's creed: Practice makes perfect.

11ALIVE SPORTS: Mock-Draft Simulation—Slot #3

11ALIVE SPORTS: Top 125 Playmakers, Version 3.0

For example, let's pretend your PPR heart's set on Jarvis Landry sometime in Round 3; but after five, six or even 20 mocks, you're pleasantly surprised to see the new Browns wideout typically falling to the early-to-mid stages of Round 4—the same Landry who has amassed 400 catches over the last four seasons, while also averaging more than 1,000 yards per annum.

With this anecdotal knowledge, you can now focus on securing one or maybe two stud running backs within the first three selections, knowing Landry—as a WR2 or WR3—will likely be there in the neighborhood of picks 39-46.

Here's another potential surprise: In a recent PPR experts' mock (12 teams), neither Mark Ingram (September suspension ... but still a viable threat for 1,000-plus yards/8 TDs), Carlos Hyde, Tevin Coleman, Sony Michel, Kerryon Johnson nor Jamaal Williams (818 total yards/6 TDs last year on only 178 touches) went before Round 6.

2. GET TO KNOW YOUR FELLOW OWNERS

This process is incredibly simple: If you're in a league with friends, just stick to a methodical pre-draft plan of talking trash (like psyching out the competition for players slotted in Rounds 2-5); and in the interest of a little investigative journalism, find out which players will be taken in Round 1, pick-by-pick, just in case you're looking to trade down in the draft.

Consequently, if you're playing in a league with virtual strangers, buddy up to a few online owners, right before anyone's on the clock.

Find out where they're from (it's human nature to reach for a player from one's hometown team) and/or subtly coerce them into bragging about the best draft pick or trade they've consummated in recent times.

The rationale: Fantasy owners tend to re-draft players who once led them to fantasy glory; and if the league permits such shenanigans, you can use that loyalty as sweet leverage for a draft-day trade.

3. COME ARMED WITH CHEAT SHEETS (1-2 PAGES MAX)

With 60-90 seconds between picks, you'll never have enough time to peruse a whole notebook of pre-draft insights once the clock starts ticking.

Be organized.

Condense your notes.

Economize on time.

Rank players by specific numbers or color-coded schemes ... and above all else, DO NOT send me a Tweet while on the clock.

Please hit me up before the draft, though.

4. LIMIT YOUR ALCOHOL INTAKE DURING A LIVE DRAFT

For live drafts, often conducted without a clock, fantasy friends typically enjoy drinks at a local watering hole.

The simple rule of thumb here: Drink to your heart's content ... but please, consume less alcohol than the owners selecting immediately before and after you in a snake draft.

You'll thank me in the morning ... especially after out-drinking the other 11 owners at the post-draft party.

Jay Clemons, the 2008 Fantasy Football Writer of the Year and 2015 Cynopsis Media award winner for "Sports Blog Of The Year," has previously served as the lead fantasy analyst for Sports Illustrated, FOX Sports South, Bleacher Report and Fanball.com.